Not the Last

There’s a glass wall between what our heart yearns for, and what it cannot possess.

The beauty of life is that longing – we ache and wish until we lose breath, all the while knowing it won’t get us any closer to what we want.

Is it because it was never within our grasp, and yet just close enough that it makes you pound at the wall?  Perhaps the idea that we can see what we want but may never have it, makes it that much more valuable.

Maybe that’s why the panging aches of the heart can make us feel so deeply, and everything becomes infinite – never, always, forever.

And we bring it upon ourselves, because we don’t know or realize what we have until it’s out of our sight; beyond the horizon. Then we go on a journey to find a different source, and you come back to the very thing you thought you were getting away from. 

But you’re not at the beginning; you have come a long way.

You are in a new place, in a different season, behind that glass wall.

I find myself staring at what I want in my season, in my place, at this time. It’s you.

And it feels like one big circle, but it’s been a winding road down a path that has made me see and feel and do things I never thought I could.

It may seem on the exterior, a temporary relapse; a moment of weakness. But as I delve in deeper, I know that I had uncovered something that was brewing inside, bubbling up now. 

I did not know I could feel like this again, for you.

My last words were truly meant to be my last goodbye; I wanted so badly for you to be happy.

But these past twenty-four hours made me feel more love, pain, and yearning than I have in a very long time.

It’s true, there have been some rough terrain. But do not dismiss these words we shared; feelings we exchanged. Do not toss them aside as some diversion, or some insignificant pit-stop.

The words we shared had pain, anger, forgiveness, longing…wishing…hoping…reminiscing. We allowed ourselves to time-travel – back to that time and space where our bodies, minds and hearts were one. And then broken.

I felt it all over again, with you.

Words have that power though - it can peel inhibitions away, layer by layer, or mend a broken soul.

And I realized that your words reminded me of what once was, and it was beautiful. And still is.

I’m standing now, on the other side of this glass wall and I see you. You are happy and content with where your life is now. I’m staring at the thing I want, and I yearn, and ache, and long – knowing, knowing…that I may never have it.  

We are different people; then and now. Though some things had to happen to wear me down, tip me over the edge and reach out, I had to try. I had to see. I know that now, because of what I felt, and what I am about to say…

I’m so grateful to you for reminding me how much I was loved, and how much I loved. It gave me hope, something I’ve been grasping for these days.

Somehow you manage to push me down, lift me back up and then send me off in just the right way. Well I’m off now, and I see you from this side of the wall. I see you, and I’m waving. But it’s not the last, I know. It’s not the last