To Be Continued

There's a lot more to say when there's pain.
More than mere thought or describing an opinion.
We seek to relate to each other?
I seek to be relatable...to more than just you.
There are times when I think.
Then wait, then rethink it and spell it out.
It as in...unconditioned reactions.
Immediate responses, impulsive motives.
They go through a filter, then another.
The product, the end result is plain, dull, bland water.
Transparent as cleaned glass, murky as the swamp.
The more I drink it, the more my head gets filled with more.
More filters, till eventually.
There's no more differentiation.
I find that it's difficult to be open with anyone.
To trust that they will want to listen.
As opposed to simply listening.
The way society constructs the norm, and what's desirable wraps around the idea that our appearance will determine our character, and social skills are based upon the level of comfort one feels in large group settings.
What do I know of it?
From observation...there's much to say.
But from experience...tons more.
It's hard to believe why I am the way that I am.
Not self-loathing, but wanting to be the expert.
Of myself without others' help.
It's hard to trust.
Especially to trust that they want the same thing I want.
To progress somewhere, somehow?
Can't we just enjoy each other's company?
No particular expectations or regards to feeling obligated.
But purely enjoying the moment...being there.
Why can't I have ideals?
If things were just simple, straight and flat.
Things would be dry.
But we would find something.
Some flaw or loophole into war & ditches, drama & chaos.
By a single thread that sticks out.
I hate it but live for it.
Rock bottom is where I see how high I was.
I look behind and use it to come out.
But I can't go back even if I wanted to.
There are countless times.
Where I need to be conscious of being too conscious.
And just be.
Whatever it may be.
I laugh and laugh.
I hate the spotlight and the background at the same time.
Always trying to make a bubble in the gray.
But never being able to locate it in the first place.