i wish there was a "select all" option, so i could press "delete", to swipe away all that was in my conscious and the subconscious, and perhaps construct a narrative, rather than an essay that i've created of my life. must it always be logic over faith, or vice versa? the times that these two overlap are ones that i obsess over and scrutinize, to perhaps find some sort of secret ingredient in knowing God's will. at the same time, i know that i've been trying to skip the growth. and as i try harder and harder to conceptualize God, to objectify him, to understand and break down the elements to create a shape to jam him into, i think, maybe i can truly grasp the essence of him. but the more i hold onto the reason and logic, i realize people and places become less and less defined. the more God is subjectified, the more i see him clearly. he takes the shape of whatever hole i find, all the blocks and ends where i can't find reason to back up the thesis that i constructed in the beginning. in the end tho, i realize he's gone back and changed it completely. points 1,2,and 3 of my paper have no evidence to rely on, and they stand there like general statements.
point 1. i'm here to pursue my goals
point 2. you'll never know, so it's better to follow your gut.
point 3. in the end, if you made a difference then it was worth it.
but i look back at these points and realize they have not been logical at all, and maybe faith has far more reason than the tangible things. there's no sub-points to convince the reader. there are no examples to illustrate them, and as much as i try to construct an outline of exactly where and how these points may become active, it is just a repetition of lies.
with every new line, i try to back up my original statement of "finding myself", but somehow end up forming questions and vague generalizations that is all-encompassing, so i could never be wrong. but after hours and hours of attempts, i print out a blank page. and before i entertain the thought that all the work was in vain, i make out words on the page that spells out: "start".
now i know there was an option of "select all" and "delete".
this time, i'll let God write. and it won't be an essay, it'll be a love letter.
to me.